The German

Well, I can tick that off the bucket list or I’m definitely over the ex.
(2018-01-19 02:37) – private

So Friday was a shitty day. The perfect kind of day to go to the bar after work and get wasted.
There’s also the auto show and there are a lot of Germans visiting. This will be relevant soon.

So, anyway I’m fairly drunk and a Puerto Rican and German walk into the bar. rimshot

Didn’t even realize he was German at first. A rather attractive guy goes up to the bartender
to get shots for his friend. Blonde hair, blue eyes, scruffy beard, average height.

I overhear his accent and I’m instantly enamored. The concept of a bar tab was baffling to him
and that makes him adorable. We chat a bit, but I don’t sit with him and his friend or anything.

Me: Where are you from? I like your accent.
Him: Vere do you tink I’m from?
Me: I really have no idea, that’s why I’m asking.
He smiles.
Him: I am from Germany.

We shake hands. He’s 41 and his name is Michael.

I debate talking with him more. I have another drink to ponder this further. At some
point they leave without me noticing. Dammit. Well, crisis averted. That was going to be a
bad decision. I’m not going to get drunk and pick up a guy at a bar. I’m not that type of girl, I
wouldn’t do that!

I get drunker and at some point they come back. Aww yeah. I am drunker, more confident
and have been texting my friend about the guy. I have been cracking up re-reading my
texts and my decision process. I was full-on out on the prowl apparently.

I think I’m a smooth flirt, but I’m sure I’m probably annoying, especially drunk.

Him: I’m sorry. I travel a lot, I’m not really looking for a relationship.
Me: I’m not looking for a relationship either, don’t worry. leans in drunkenly sexily
küss mich.

My years of listening to Rammstein paid off.

So yeah we chat, I decide to go back to the hotel they’re staying at. And I didn’t call
my mom.

“Ich bin kalt.” I grumble smoking a joint with them on the way to the hotel.
I continue dropping German phrases.

“You are speaking more German than me and I am from Germany!” Michael says with a
laugh.

I repeat that I’m cold in German.

“Das hast Du bereits gesagt.” He replies.

“Oooh, what does that mean?” I ask expectantly.

“German for ‘You already said that.’ ” he says with a sexy smile.

Chill, smoke some pot, have more drinks, listen to music. He was a big fan of Rage
Against the Machine and another band with only 2 people I can’t remember.

Puerto Rican is flirty and cute, but I could bang a Puerto Rican anytime. This is a straight up,
sexy German from Germany! He leaves and we’re alone.

I ask if he has rubbers. He’s confused. “Condoms! Prophylactics!” He rummages through his
things. He does not have condoms.

Fuck it. I’ve already went this far. Sober kat can worry about this in the morning.

So yeah, drunken unprotected sex with a random guy at a bar. Mom is absolutely livid
that I didn’t call and she was worried sick. Didn’t want to see me yesterday, so spent another
day at a different bar. Isolating myself in my room today and drinking because I don’t feel like
getting yelled at.

And it’s like…..I don’t feel that bad about it. I feel bad I worried my mother and I wish I
would have had a condom. I’m nauseous from the Plan B and I’ll need to get checked out in
case I picked up some German chlamydia or something. But, it was great sex. As far as one
night stands go, it was awesome sex.

I lost count of how many times he got me off. I cum, he stops for a moment, then pounds me
some more. German engineering at its finest. Fuck the Poles, Imma marry me a German.
He had me sounding like one of those old Herbal Essences commercials, moaning like
the chick in Rob Zombie’s “More Human Than Human”

It was nice curling up on his hairy blonde chest and snoozing together after we were
both thoroughly spent.

He woke me up to say he was going to work and I could stick around if I wanted to. I
passed out again and woke up at 10:30 AM thinking I was home. I look around at unfamiliar
surroundings.

Did I….? Ohhh fuck. Yes, yes I did. Memories flood back. And my phone is ringing.

Mom: Where are you???”
Me: I’m safe, don’t worry.
Mom: WHERE ARE YOU?
Me: I’m okay, I’m alright.
Mom: WHERE. ARE. YOU????
Me: I….erm….I’m in a hotel room downtown…..I kinda had a one night stand.
Mom: WHAT!!?? Don’t even bother coming home right now. I can finally sleep now.

*******

Nice Hilton hotel room with a king size bed and couch no less. Just saying. It wasn’t entirely
a greasy dirty one night stand.

The bar I went to the morning after was fun, I got all kinds of jokes about bratwurst. I
left a note without my phone number and went on my way.

“Are you sure you weren’t one of my fraternity brothers? Leave a note and just bounce?
Seriously?” a friend asked.

Group of Germans come to the bar and my loudmouth bartender announced that I banged a
German.

“What? And you just left? No! We must find your German lover!”

And before I knew it, I had a goddamn German collation working to find who I fucked.
They track gossip down efficient as fuck.

I’m falling over laughing. “Oh god, stop it! Nein, no, stop looking!”
The team found he most likely works with Volkswagen.

I’m having a cigarette and talking with a cute German about music and general chit
chat. The bartender already made it known she had her sights on Johannes.

He also told me that Eisbrecher is bullshit pop music garbage but Rammstein and Knorkator
are cool. So I’ve got okay taste in German rock.

She pokes her head out of the bar.

“I fucking mean it kat! Don’t even think about it bitch, I will cut you!!!” She shouts.

Johannes looks at me quizzically.

“Why did she call you a bitch?” he asks.

I keep forgetting the Germans visiting are fluent in English. I break it down like I’m speaking
to a Japanese person with limited English capabilities.

“Well….She thinks you are really attractive. She doesn’t want me to flirt with you because
she likes you.” I explain.

Johannes smiles, puffs up a bit and smooths his coat and shirt.

“Oh.” He says with a confident grin.

Bartender and Johannes have some flirty fun banter for the evening.

But holy shit. Panties drop to the goddamn floor and I lose all sense of propriety around Germans. Auto show time is now my favorite time of year.